Why S L O W is also GOOD

When my son was preparing for college, we were all excited about the possibilities. 

I wasn't overly concerned about his ability to take care of himself. He could do his own laundry, he could cook, he knew how to tip the pizza delivery person. So, partially because he seemed fairly self-sufficient, I felt like he could handle life at college. This is partially because I wanted to feel that way. I wanted to see him succeed, but I also wanted to feel as if he was just like any other kid going off to college. I wanted him to have a great time, and enjoy meeting new people, and learn a variety of things from a bunch of different classes. Most of all, I wanted him to enjoy that feeling of being in charge of your own life.

Well, if you read my post from yesterday, you know that he wasn't ready for college.

His therapist tried to tell me this. She really did. She tried to suggest that maybe taking a year off from college might be a good idea. Whenever she suggested this idea, all I could see was my son having an entire year of not socializing. No interaction with other people his age, doing fun things. Honestly, I was blinded by the thought of this lack of interaction. I was afraid it would halt his progression.

My son's therapist also suggested the idea of community college. I also ignored this idea. I had recently taken a class at our local community college, and I wasn't all that impressed with the other participants of the class. They may have been smart kids, but they weren't social with each other. Nobody talked to each other, in a class of at least 20 students. It seemed weird to me. Of course, I didn't stop to think that it was a class on Macroeconomics, and maybe that wasn't the most social of subjects. So, based on that very limited experience, I considered community college for my son -- and tossed that idea rather quickly.

Now, three years later, I can see that my son's therapist had more experience than I had, and she knew what I didn't understand -- that people with ADD or autism or any other myriad types of learning issues often need to take a little longer to mature. This extended maturity window applies to many college students, not just my son. I talked with my other two kids, and they had lots of peers who took five or six years to finish their bachelor's degree. It's common, and we as parents need to take a step back and realize that maybe it's preferable to take longer to accomplish some goals.

I have one friend who has a son who is just now finishing his bachelor's ... and he's 30. He had several missteps along the way, but once it was HIS DECISION to go back to college, he nailed it. He was able to get much better grades, and he was able to figure out exactly what he wanted to do. It's hard to hear that concept, that sometimes people need a decade to figure out life ... but isn't that better, to take a long time, than to never figure things out at all?

So, my husband and I watch our son, and we see progression. He won't have his associates until he's maybe 22 ... but it's PROGRESS. He looks happy. He's going to community college, and it's a good one, and he's made friends. Ya know what? There are LOTS of guys just like him, almost identical to him, at his school. He watches those students, and notices that some do better than he does, but a lot of them are struggling. He also notices that his professors "get" him there, and they are helpful. He is also, now, figuring out what his direction may be, what he enjoys, and that times when he fails on a test are followed by times that he gets one of the highest scores in the class. You just never know what a person can accomplish ... and it may not be the path you expected or wanted for your son or daughter. But if they can just keep working, and slowly making progress, that's a beautiful thing.

Dishonesty and Asperger's

The latest issue that we have ...

You all have heard that kids on the spectrum can't lie, right?

Well, today's post wants to kick that concept's butt.

Our son has been lying for YEARS.  He doesn't do it to get stuff, or bug us, or much of the typical reasons teenagers lie.  But, in one of the typical teenager ways, he lies to get out of doing homework.  He says he has done it when he hasn't.  He says he doesn't have tests at school that week when he actually does.  Last night, he wrote down the answers from the back of the math book, but DIDN'T show his work -- an obvious ploy to get out of doing the work.

Thing is, he's really good at lying.  He's such a good kid in every other way, that when he does lie, it's like a smack to the face.  A punch in the gut.  A real downer.

This boy is a people-pleaser.  He really wants to make his parents, teachers, and other authority figures happy.  When he lies, he sees it as a means to an end -- make everybody happy.

Trouble is, it never, NEVER works out that way.  Parents now have access to online gradebooks, and if you have to be as fanatical as I do to try and catch the huge variety of ways that my son can slip up, you know when your son is lying.

Last year, when the meds were working phenomenally well, there was a lot less lying.  The meds were working, and the school load was good.  Nothing seemed insurmountable.  THIS YEAR, however, there has been a trial of a new honors class, and that is proving to be difficult... thus, the lying.  Trouble is, he's also lying about the other classes that are NOT difficult.

I am mystified that, when my dear son is caught in a lie, he is so surprised.  He gets very emotional, and I of course get very angry... but no matter how many times we have a big drawn out fight over lying, he continues to do it.  I have tried yelling, I have tried being very controlled and philosophical.  I've tried every different approach there is.  I've especially tried to explain to him that lying isn't even effective -- it doesn't give him the peace he is hoping for.  Thing is, if my son lies, I CAN'T HELP HIM.  You kind of need a baseline of honesty to be able to deal with problems, and if that baseline isn't there, you really can't do anything to improve the situation until the lack of honesty is dealt with.  I try to explain to my son that we can deal with problems he has in math, as long as he tells us WHAT IS GOING ON.  When he hides stuff, we are basically hand-cuffed.

Currently, I have no recommendations or positive experience about how we managed to get our son to stop lying.  It's unfortunate that he is lying AND his meds currently aren't working -- a perfect storm situation that leads to a bad beginning to the semester.  I will, however, talk with his therapist about the situation and see what HER take is on the subject, and write about it in my next post.